Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.

Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.

Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!

“What’s that?”

A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.

*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”

Tired: Clapping when the plane lands

Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives

It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.

Kid: I don’t like cheese

Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?

Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.

The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.

I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist

Dear Captchas,

I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid

I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.

If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.

I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…

…or a giant gorilla.

~Super Mario’s mom probably

Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?

Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?

Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.

Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.

“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.

Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

[Waffle House interview]

Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”

Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”

Manager:“When can you start?”

watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel

I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.

Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.

My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.

Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.

Crying is a sign of leakness.

[Thanksgiving 2020]

Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions

Him: that’s a carrot

Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal