“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
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Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)