You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50
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I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Christmas bonus so small you have to call your bank and ask “is it in yet?”
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”