You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50
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*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Netflix: We have Less
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.