You’re sliding into his DMs, I’m sliding under his bed to rob him after he falls asleep. We’re not the same but we can be accomplices if you want and split it 50/50
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Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?