Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.

Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.

Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.

dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do

I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.

I’ve been laughing for an hour straight

Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan

Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.

Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?

Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive

For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,

My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”

Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.

*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*

Pretty fly for a white guy.

SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.

Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context

[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”

Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.

I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.

Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.

Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?

This is no longer an app but a mishapp