“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
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My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
*cough*
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.