“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
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I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
