“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
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When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch