“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
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I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
shakira sharkira
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up