You’re so cultured I’mma start calling you Yogurt.
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Me: Why are you holding a fork?
Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster.
Me: STOP!*turns my chair to get a better view
Me: Carry on.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.