Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.

if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am

4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”

Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”

Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.

I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them

I have never related to anyone more.

Best Halloween yard decorations 😂

“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush

When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.

Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?

Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS

Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.

[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”

“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”

I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night

If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.

Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.

Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other

Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.

Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.

Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.

But it’s more likely a sociopath.

~Inspirational

*novela book bar*

bartender: let me guess books not booze

him: tequila …

bartender: ’bout time here you go

him: … mockingbird

bartender: there it is

I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity

Top Gun is a Christmas movie.

There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose

[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free

“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”

My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.

I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine

Where it all went wrong

Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.

Her: Is that what you want?

Oh the world we live in…