You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
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I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”
But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!