You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
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Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’