You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
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Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.