Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
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What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there