“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
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Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣
My wife wants a Ring Doorbell. I claim not to want one because of security concerns but in reality I don’t want her to find out how much food I have delivered when working from home.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God