Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!

-Me eating Oreos

Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.

I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.

Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.

-Kids

Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?

I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess

My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix

I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012

*tides knock down my sand castle*

Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]

If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.

[fire raging in my bedroom]

smoke alarm:

[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]

smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE

i want to work in this restaurant

My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID

Me: Connor

Kids: The boy next door?

Me: Yep

Kids: We meant out of us

Me: Still Connor

I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.

Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.

There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom

Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night

I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.

Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.

I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession

Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you

Dogs

My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.

Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?