“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
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Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?