“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
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DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
this is funnier than any friends episode
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what