“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
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Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
sistine chapel
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care