“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
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And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Britain be like
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
