Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Sir…

I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-

Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING

I threw the ball too far during fetch

Cop: Fair enough

Just say no

You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.

Me: He’s crowning!

King Charles: please don’t say it like that.

Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.

Friend: That’s my stomach.

THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.

cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this

Trying

The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm

Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?

Spanish Government: Anything further to report?

Shakira: No.

Shakira’s hips: YES!

Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks

you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?

That’s amazing can I get a bud light please

It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.

If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it

If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’

just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping

Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..

*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.