Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.

[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?

I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.

Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?

Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.

I think my husband is beginning to suspect

Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.

[skating together on a frozen pond]

Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah

I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.

I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.

BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.

I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.

When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.

[job interview]

BOSS: Describe yourself

ME: Can’t you see me?

It’s tough getting user casket reviews

I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.

My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.

It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.

If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor

Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?

Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together

If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.

Me: I really like her. What should I do?

Friend: Give her the time of day.

[Later]

Her: Hey.

Me: It’s 2 PM.

Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.

“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.