“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
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To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Genius.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
*checks Timeline*…
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking