“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
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presenting your incognito window wrapped
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?