“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
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*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Only a mother’s love …
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.