Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool

everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓

My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.

Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.

“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.

whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.

My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.

Parts of a worm:
1) Worm

Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.

My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.

Me: haha should I get out and push

Everyone on The Submarine: YES

Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.

Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.

May take them away tomorrow too.

ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,

THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.

ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.

THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY

BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.

[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt

I didn’t even see a listing for Greenland on Zillow…

Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.

My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”

“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”

9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.

“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”

Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.

Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

Friend: Cry

Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.

“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.

Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.

Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.

Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”

Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”

2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |

I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.