“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
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Two types of dogs.
Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
So inspired right now.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
This poor dog
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Six months into the marriage Cinderella began finding stray glass slippers.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
