“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
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Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
“Great, now I have to pee.”
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.