“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game![]()
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[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”![]()
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
![]()
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.