“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
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The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
💯😂
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
So I ate some gummy bears.
Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.
I ate exactly 37…
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby