you’re so productive for your wage
You Might Also Like
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.