you’re so productive for your wage
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“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.