“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
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The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
I am having an out of money experience.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much