“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
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*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
My wife gave me an Oura ring.
Every night at 9 it tells me it’s time to get ready for bed.
It tells me when I should get up and walk around, and when I should relax.Is my wife outsourcing?
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.