You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
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You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.