You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
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Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
🤣
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.