Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’

*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?

Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids

Witch 2: oh no, why?

Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol

me: *knocks on door* are you naked?

boss: just come in!

*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole

I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.

holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy

my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao

[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it

At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.

German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”

Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass

“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus

And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is

ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB

I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.

Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.

I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.

CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.

Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???

Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.

Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”

It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.

why count sheep when I can count my troubles

Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:

guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?

guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should

You were the one.

the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.

Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.

My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.