you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
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Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
dogs can find happiness so easily
Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”