You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.
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My support group can outdrink your support group.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Knock Knock
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
