Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I missed going to the gym today.

So that’s 20 years in a row now.

Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…

Bullshit.

What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*

If only

I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”

I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.

and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area

I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.

ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever

Papa john’s: order a pizza!

Mama john’s: we have pizza at home

How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?

date: so how are you?

me: I’m doing good! how are-

guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”

date: who the hell is that

me: I told you I had a corrections officer

Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.

The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.

Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?

Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!

a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt

They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.

Wanna hear a construction joke?

I’m working on it.

Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins

Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-

Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed

Me: … that long

“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”

*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*

Mondays, amirite?

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.

Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.

ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*

FRIEND: Is that… pudding?

Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.

I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?

We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that

Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.