Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him

Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.

Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese

Girlfriend: Yes probably more

My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.

I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”

He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.

I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.

I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.

It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.

Got fired as a detective.

I have no clue why

I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window

Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.

When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.

First date

Him: tell me about yourself

Me in a singsong voice: ok but you’re not gonna like it

You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE

My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”

Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5

I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen

Inventor of the toaster:

How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?

My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.

Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again

He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos

a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!

Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?

as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.

My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other

I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear

Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”

Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.

would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole