“You’re still a fun person,” I whisper to myself at 9:30 p.m, as I stir a pot of chilli like some kind of culinary night owl.
Nothing screams ‘life of the party’ like panic-cooking mince before it stages its own rebellion in the fridge.
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I’d hang this in my house.
Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
woman in my gym locker room has multiple containers of fresh chinese takeout spread out on the bench and is just happily munching away
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”