Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”

Me: “Free.”

Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”

Me: “Thanks!”

*drives away quickly*

“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb

Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon

Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.

A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.

I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.

I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.

Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.

My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.

[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature

I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.

I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.

I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy

i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them

Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.

Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.

Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.

If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.

You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.

Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.

they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born

14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn

If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”

therapist: whats the problem?

me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.

therapist: sounds like you’re bananas

feeling cute. might rob a bank later.

My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call

Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.

(at least for me)

(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)

“What a tangled web we weave”

-Earbuds

We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.

4-year-old: Are goats real?

Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.

4: *runs away*

Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”