Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.

Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible

Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..

Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really

Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?

Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment

Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.

I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving

the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do

car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped

Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.

*yells from space*

Did you kill that spider?!

I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!

[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)

[first date]

Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.

being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you

Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting

I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards

You are not alone 💚

I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.

[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.

Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework

Trainer: How often do you exercise?

Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?

T: Uhhh sure.

M: Ok then still not that often

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.

Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.