Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sign at work today

I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.

Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days

I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.

Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’

I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.

Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.

Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.

I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.

Did you know?

A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.

And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction

My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.

My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”

Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now

life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not

Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*

My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.

I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.

No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.

I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.

[giving commencement address at graduation]

“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”

Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.

I dumbed there ONE time and now this.

Who says great literature is dead?

I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.

The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that

*Relationship status*

Me: I’m heading off now.

Wife: Yayyy.

I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?