Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.

STOP disrespecting my family

my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG

my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE

my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND

me

my grandmother is A SAINT

Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be

My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.

*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*

HOT POCKET

My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer

Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?

Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it

Duck *holding gun* good answer

Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.

Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.

me [sneezes]: excuse me.

guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.

Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂

The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.

I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.

Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

me: I brought a note from my doctor

dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle

*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*

My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”

WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???

Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing

[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work

Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”

The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.

Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434

Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0

I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

Animal poetry

Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?

Overheard:

The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.