Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK

Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.

what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off

If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.

You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”

*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments

Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.

Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.

inappropriate Care Bears be like:

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in

Happy Thanksgiving

Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.

The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip

Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.

*2 minutes later*

Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.

BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.

BAILIFF: Your FULL name.

SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.

“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”

“But sir. This is a library.”

me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot

teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now

The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.

Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?

so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…

My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.

Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle

Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok

You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys

no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day