Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.

Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine

I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.

Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!

It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters

Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]

Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.

Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch

what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”

Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos

Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”

H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!

Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.

H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.

[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back

Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.

*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*

*forgets what they’re called*

Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.

Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.

Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*

Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.

College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.

My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate

I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.

ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.

EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?

[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see

Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.

Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up

“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”

– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself

👍

That time Alicia messaged me

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.