You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
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My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Fiction has to make sense.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
step 6: release the wall snake
