you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
You Might Also Like
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Bit chilly again tonight.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.