you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich

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wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner


Baptisms were invented by a guy who had to explain why he was caught trying to drown a baby.


My favorite part about being an adult is that my pillow fort now has a mini bar.


The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.


I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered


Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…


The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work