@aligarchy

you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich

You Might Also Like

@murrman5

wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner

@ThingsJackDigs

Baptisms were invented by a guy who had to explain why he was caught trying to drown a baby.

@Bearslietoo

My favorite part about being an adult is that my pillow fort now has a mini bar.

@semple42

The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.

@zachreinert03

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

@icecube

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

@notalogin

The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work