you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
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EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Lol
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee