Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing

“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”

I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.

IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP

me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*

priest: don’t undress the deceased

The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff

Him: Let’s grill this steak

Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS

Him: that’s not-

Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK

What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?

6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.

Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.

If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…

Except I don’t do housework.

What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?

One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions

Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.

He told me I was too pretty not to smile.

So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.

Now I’m smiling.

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis

How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes

Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.

FBI: oops wrong one

I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

Me: Delete it!

Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.

[campfire]

Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.

Millennials: (gasp)

Me: We had to use “adverbs.”

(one faints)

My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.

“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.

me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?

4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie

me:

As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.