you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
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[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
nyc:
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand