you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
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boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday