you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
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In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti