“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
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[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt