Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
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If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care