[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
“You’re sure you understand stock trading?”
“Then why (holds up card) did you trade our Google shares for a Charizard?”
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God, grant me serenity to accept that people are ignorant, courage to uphold the law when I’m hostile & wisdom to realize murder is illegal.
– Beat Cop
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
I said let’s go.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Spending the weekend installing toothpaste-colored carpet since my 3 yr old insists on brushing his teeth while walking around the house…
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Rapture’s tomorrow. Christians will be flying up into the air to meet Jesus.
Two words: DUCK HUNT