I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
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please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT