@NicestHippo

“You’re sure you understand stock trading?”
ME: Yep
“Then why (holds up card) did you trade our Google shares for a Charizard?”

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@JoParkerBear

[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE

@splendidcynic

Establish dominance at the dentist by hitting them with a rock and asking if THAT is comfortable.

@KalvinMacleod

911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*

@suecorvette

I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to

@flashember

[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves

@CopBroughtPizza

i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…

@sarahmcgphoto

Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!

Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.

@BrianStack153

Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.

@seamusmckracken

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.