“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
You Might Also Like
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Honey I made you some hotdog water
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
There are spies in chicken coups now. They’re egg plants.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
“and how does that make you feel?”
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.