You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
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COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”