Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar

I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.

Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance

I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.

DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature

ME: [leaves]

My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband

I need to remind myself daily that I am pretty awesome and that I can do absolutely anything.

Except reach the top shelf, I can’t do that.

[writing my will]

me: what is cremation

lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash

me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu

Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?

Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.

very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids

What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!

Oh, wait…never mind.

I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.

You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel

Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.

when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect

[parent-teacher conference]

teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-

me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or

*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*

He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.

Guilty! 🤪

Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.

I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…

But that’s how Julius Caesar.

I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.

Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.

Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.

“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist

Them: Go big or go home

Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice