Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?

I like my coffee like I like my men

Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away

Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.

what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks

[meeting]

ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*

BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!

H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.

M: I BROKE A NAIL!

PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.

I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.

Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.

Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.

*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*

a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping

Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.

Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?

Proctologist: no

People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.

Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.

HR: Punching colleagues is wrong

Me: But he drank from my mug

HR: That doesn’t allow you to—

M: I’d just filled it with gin

HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—

M: —ger beer…

HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!

Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”

[pharmacy]

“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”

PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?

“No thanks, I already believe in children”

Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.