You’re telling me, a chicken fried this rice

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Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.


Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.


imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day


we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy


Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel


If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.


I put my pants on like everyone else. Two man servants holding me in the air while a third man servant wrestles with my flailing legs.


*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*

Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!

Ariel: But I like him.

Sebastian: What would your father say!?!