In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
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I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Holy shit he’s back
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground