You’re telling me a penguin actually wrote all these classics??
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A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Me checking my bank balance online.
Love it! 👍😂
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.