You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
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The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.