You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
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18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
My son doesn’t like when I participate in his slang world lol!
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”