You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
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Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
How do you milk an almond?
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection