You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
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You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity