You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
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*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
The Friday File.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
😂🤣😂🤣
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix