Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.

ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*

give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.

My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze

my professor scared me for a second

If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”

If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.

Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.

I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.

Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.

Marriage.

“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”

-Jesus

him: how long for a table

me: they’re about 5 ft across

him: no the wait

me: about 78 lbs

Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.

I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.

[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted

*finds another dead plant on patio*

[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!

I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…

I hope everything is ok.

Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome

An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child

My kid invented a game but told me it was too complicated and I wouldn’t understand. Reader, he is throwing a stuffed animal repeatedly in the air and catching it

Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.

Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.

And they’re almost the same age.

If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!

I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.

If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.

“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”

I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.

Me: there’s no “u” in team

Canadian: we’ll see about that bud