You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
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DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
fired
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Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.