who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
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People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
When your parents check you’re ok.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?