@DylanGelula

youre telling me life is just about moving around during the day and then lying motionless at night? like some kind of backwards night at the museum?

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@hasht4g

How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.

@SeanEmeny

“My place is a mess” – Every girl, ever…. “Well in that case, I’m not coming in” – No guy, ever

@Social_Mime

I have a video appointment with my doctor.

I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.

@ianpauldukes

i’m unmarried and childless but sometimes i make up a fictional family for my twitter jokes. my wife hates it but my kids think it’s hilarious

@Grind_n_Roll

Scientists have spliced the DNA of a human with a sea cow. Oh, the humanatee.

@itsnashflynn

i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020

@tangledteatime

An eight year old offered to sell me drugs. Isn’t that disgusting? Why would I pay when I can just beat him up and take them? He’s EIGHT.

@Moldy_Jellybean

I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.

@MissNaughty1801

I imagine some people are like…: ‘should I take the shower?…no…I’m taking the train today…’

@shopkins776

If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips