youre telling me life is just about moving around during the day and then lying motionless at night? like some kind of backwards night at the museum?

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If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.


You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?


[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]

My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”


I just watched one kid call his twin brother ugly and now I’m just waiting for him to realize what that means


Times when the world seems different somehow:

– being in your elementary school as an adult

– being in a pool when it rains

– train stations at night

– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die

– walking through fresh snow by yourself


if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown


I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.


The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”

“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman

“£20,000 and she’s all yours”


I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.


[god to lions]
You will be the symbol of power and prestige
[sees the crickets]
Ew. Uh…you guys just yell real loud when a comedian bombs