youre telling me life is just about moving around during the day and then lying motionless at night? like some kind of backwards night at the museum?

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“My place is a mess” – Every girl, ever…. “Well in that case, I’m not coming in” – No guy, ever


I have a video appointment with my doctor.

I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.


i’m unmarried and childless but sometimes i make up a fictional family for my twitter jokes. my wife hates it but my kids think it’s hilarious


Scientists have spliced the DNA of a human with a sea cow. Oh, the humanatee.


i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020


An eight year old offered to sell me drugs. Isn’t that disgusting? Why would I pay when I can just beat him up and take them? He’s EIGHT.


I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.


I imagine some people are like…: ‘should I take the shower?…no…I’m taking the train today…’


If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips