If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
youre telling me life is just about moving around during the day and then lying motionless at night? like some kind of backwards night at the museum?
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You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
I just watched one kid call his twin brother ugly and now I’m just waiting for him to realize what that means
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
[god to lions]
You will be the symbol of power and prestige
[sees the crickets]
Ew. Uh…you guys just yell real loud when a comedian bombs