You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?
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son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.